I'm Sorry
by torriian
Summary: Basically it's a different way for Sam to die. I had this on my computer for a while so i decided to upload it. Please tell me what you think. It would mean alot to me. Sam/Finn


I'm Sorry

I lay on the bed. The white walls washing my brain and the bleeping of the life support machine blending into the background. Only then did I truly realise just how much I was hurting him. I could see him in the chair. He hadn't left my side in days. He looked tired and fragile, a reflection of me. Every time we were both awake he would try and cheer me up. Tell me that I was going to get through this. I knew I wasn't. That's what the words inoperable and terminal mean to me.

I Hated it. I hated hurting him. I knew there was nothing I could do and so did he. I hated knowing that just my prescience on this earth was hurting him but most of all I hated that I knew just how much my death would affect him.

He didn't deserve it. When he'd fallen, he got through it and I was so relieved. I don't know what I'd have done if he hadn't. But now it was the reality he would have to face.

I knew all too well that I was the only one who he'd ever been really able to talk to. I knew he had friends but I also knew that he wouldn't talk to them. He wasn't that sort of person.

I knew he'd be all on his own. His parents were in America. It was just him in the big house. I knew that Josh would offer for him to sleep round his until he felt better but then I also knew that he'd decline the offer.

I knew at school he wouldn't let his emotions show. After all this would be a weakness and the school bad boy can't have a weakness. No he'd bottle it all up until he got home and was in his own company and then and only then would he cry. He'd cry until he couldn't cry any more and when he was done crying he'd probably break the furniture, turn to drinking alcohol or maybe even robbery. I hoped he wouldn't.

This wasn't what I wanted. He'd been so strong coping with everything he had to. And now I was hurting him.

That was it. I couldn't give him false hope. I couldn't watch him watch me battle through another day. I couldn't let him watch me die. I had to write a letter explaining.

_Dear the best and most decent person I've ever met in my life and the BEST boyfriend ever,_

_Don't hide all your emotions. Or try and be tough. Crying isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign that you really cared. Something that no one will ever to be able to take away from you. I know just how angry and upset you'll be when you find out that I've switched off my own life support machine but I couldn't do it. I couldn't bare seeing you in pain or let you watch me get worse. Don't be angry with anyone but me. I'm the weak one. I couldn't even say goodbye to you in person. You're not. Talk to Josh and don't do anything stupid that you'll regret. Just remember that you're not alone. You have Josh and Kyle and Harry and me. I'll watch over you and I'll look down on you. I'll think about you every second from now until we meet again. I don't care if you don't remember me. In a way I hope you don't. I want nothing more than for you to go on and get along with your life as if I never existed. Date other girls and have a family. Don't forget you want a kid at 26. There are only two things that I am really sorry for. The first is how much my mum and Tom will pester you over the next year or so. And the second is that I didn't have the guts to say goodbye properly. Don't remember me in this way a dying girl who couldn't even say goodbye to her family, friends or boyfriend. Remember me as I was when we first kissed. Mad, brave and gobby. I'll never forget you but you can forget me. Do what you want with the ring I gave you but I'll never stop wearing mine. I have left something for everyone. My mum, the top of mine she always used to borrow and claims she's never seen; Tom, all my old books with all the drawings I used to do in his lessons; Lauren, the bracelet she made me for my 5__th__ birthday; Amy, the necklace she got me of the netball for Christmas; Denzil, my favourite pink hoodie; Kyle, the surf band he got me from the service stations on the way to the trip to Cornwall. And as for you. You have my heart. Look after it, it loved you more than I thought was capable. Don't forget all the memories we shared and don't forget that your all welcome to anything else of mine that you want. Just don't fight over them! Please can you do me one last favour and read this letter out to everyone. Mum, Tom, Denzil, Marley, Earl, Lauren, Prince, Amy, Kyle. Everyone. I really am sorry that I couldn't say goodbye properly but I know what if I did you wouldn't let me and then you'd have to sit and watch me suffer. Don't be mad and don't forget crying isn't a sign of weakness but a sign that you truly cared. _

_I love you. I love you with all my heart and I'll never forget you._

_All my love, always are forever_

_Sam xx_

_I love you Finn Sharkey. Xxx_

That was it. My last letter I folded it in half and placed it on his lap. I tapped him once knowing it would take him 10 minutes to wake up.

I got back into bed. Got comfy and pressed for the nurse. I heard Finn wake up, the nurse and my mum run in and I heard them all crying. Before any of them could say anything I flicked the switch. That was it the white blur came about me and I now had to face death.

I knew they'd have read the letter and I knew that even though I'd asked them not to be. I knew they'd be mad. But at least I wasn't hurting them anymore well I wouldn't be once they forgot about me.

"Goodbye Finn, I love you" I managed to murmur before the white blur came over me and I was no longer a part of their world.

**A/N – I Know that this isn't how it happened but it's just an idea that came to my head that I wanted to share. DISCLAIMER – I do not own any of the characters, objects or storylines. I'm sorry if it's not written very well I'm only in year 9.**


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